


GENIUS!

by Lightpoint



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anakin is the cool grandpa, Crack, Darth Vader's Helmet is a Great Bong, Epic, Gen, Misfire fill, Recreational Drug Use, This is some Epic Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 22:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6212272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightpoint/pseuds/Lightpoint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a <b>'Misfire Fill'</b> for <a href="https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3467.html?thread=6891403#cmt6891403">this prompt</a> on the 'The Force Awakens Kink Meme':</p><p>  <i>'Hey, do you think Vader's helmet would make a good bong?'</i></p><p>That...pretty much says it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We've Got to Smoke It, Because It's SPECIAL Space Weed!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ditto to the Chapter Title...

Lieutenants Hale and Marzak stumbled out of the turbolift, pulling at each others' clothing. Marzak vaguely registered the color of the carpet. It smelled fruity.

"We're home freeeeee!" He twirled on the tips of his toes, then staggared sloppily into the bulkhead. Hale groaned, hauled him off the floor, slung him over her shoulder, muttering darkly. 

"Your...fault..." she huffed, counting doors. They staggered to a halt in front of door #3.

The all but fell through the door, Marzak rolling around on the 'pretty, pretty' gray carpet, Hale wheezing pathetically. 

"Stop that," she gasped, as Marzak suddenly jumped to his feet and made a beeline for an open door at the end of the unusually spacious cabin. 

"HALE!" The idiot's voice pierced her skull like a rusty nail.

"Go away."

"We need to use the rest of it. Haaaaaale."

Hale groaned.

 _'No space weed on the_ Finalizer!' 

They were so going down for this. Unless...

"How?" she yelled, the room blurring as she hauled herself up, leaning heavily on a table. "We have to smoke it, not eat it. Because it's _special_ space weed."

"I found a bong!! Hale, whoever lives here has a bong!"

"...This isn't your cabin?"

"I don't have a bong. So no."

Hale headed towards Marzak's voice. He was in a (again, suspiciously large) bedroom that was done in mismatching shades of black. And more black. Marzak was cradling a vaguely round shape in his arms, rocking it like a baby, a beatific smile on his face. 

To Hale's drugged-out eyes, it was an oddly-shaped (and slightly dirty) sphere with a vent and two (two?) holes.

"That's half a bong, dumbass."

"The rest is here!!" Marzak held up a hollow black metal cylinder from a mess of machine parts and curling wires on a workbench next to a table-thingy covered in ash. 

Hale shrugged, ignoring the warning bells going off in her mind, and grabbed another one off the table. They tipped Darth Vader's helmet over, dumped the rest of the space weed inside, and filled it with boiling water from a beaker sitting on a convenient hot plate.

They stuck the tubes into the eyeholes, waited a few minutes, and inhaled deeply. 

"Kinda gritty," Hale said. "Did it taste like this the first time?"

"Mmmph," said Marzak, smiling with utter bliss. He fell backwards onto the bed. Hale joined him a minute later, burying her face in black silk sheets. 

When Kylo Ren re-entered his chamber two hours later, they were dead to the world. Except for Marzak's hand, which was absentmindedly fondling Hale's left boob. The helmet lay between them, and the entire cabin reeked of space weed.

Anakin Skywalker looked down on the scene with great pleasure. It was the best possible use for the thing, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh nooooooo!!! What now????


	2. Again, 'SPECIAL' Space Weed...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The key word is _**SPECIAL**_

Kylo took one look at the blissed-out junior officers in his bed and reached for his lightsaber. 

Fortunately for the two lieutenants, the space weed really _was_ special. And Kylo had left his helmet on the sofa. So when he rushed forward, saber blazing, he got a nice, big lungful of space weed, mixed with his grandfather's ashes.

The contact high grabbed him by the metaphorical nutsack. 

He felt a strong, gloved hand grasp the back of his shirt and throw him onto the bed in between the two lieutenants. Kylo giggled as the still-smoking helmet lifted off the bed, and into the lap of the tall, armored man sitting cross-legged at the end. 

"Hiiiiiii," said Kylo. His arms were waaaay to heavy to lift, but he tried anyway. His hands flapped pathetically.

"Mmmmph," said Hale, scooting over and nuzzling Kylo's ear. "S'not regulation," she said, through a mouthful of his hair, accidently-on-purpose tangling her legs with his.

Marzak burped, rolled over, and spooned Kylo, his arm flopping across his chest. "You smell...Nice...Everything's so nice..." He started humping Kylo's leg vigorously.

Kylo giggled and slung his arms around the two officers.

"I have the best friends!"

Anakin grinned and took a hit.

Turns out his helmet made an _excellent_ bong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MUAHAHAHA...You're Welcome >:)


End file.
